Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Have You Seen Your Colon Recently ?

Oprah is talking about how people crap - I think the bottom is falling out of television (which is better than a television falling out of your bottom). She is looking at how we crap affects our aging process - according to the guru (dressed n scrubs and purple surgical gloves), we all need to pass gas 14 times a day, we should drop an "s" shape turd daily, and it shouldn't really smell that much. Guess most of the people I know are in trouble on the smellometer test.

The good doctor (whose name is Dr. Oz - he's a kind of wizard, I guess) is now showing used colons - not a big market for these, I think. He is showing a colon that was healthy (guess the owner may be feeling the loss) and one that wasn't. The main difference is the size and porousness of the large colon. He is also showing video of a proctological examination (every mans worst nightmare).

The solution to poor pooping (the polite word for having a crap) is whole grain and more fibre and magnesium (beets, raisins, dates and soybeans or 400mg of magnesium a day in tablet form) and constant monitoring of blood pressure (150/75) - the most important number coming from the body. To illustrate this, our Wizard is showing various used hearts, livers and lungs (where does he get this stuff ?- I guess Chicago has different kind of second hand stores from Edmonton).

Oprah also has Bill Clinton talking about heart attacks and heart disease - he's just had a quad-bypass (how do they do these while the patient is riding around in the countryside?) and looks a lot thinner and older.

Seems to me the best anti-aging device is called wine - a nice red pinot (such as a lovely South African wine which, funnily enough, is called PINNO) seems to me to make me younger. As does sitting next to a lovely lady, enjoying laughter, having a meal where you can taste all of its features (such as the lunch I had today at Il Portico - a great chickpea soup and some nice pasta), listening to some great music, being with family and generally finding life positive rather than negative.

You can support your healthy lifestyle (as just described) with folic acid, eating tomatoes and broccoli, non fat milk and drinking lots of water and aspirin (2 baby ones a day). By the way - coffee is good for you (fights cancer and other diseases).

I feel so healthy, I think I'll open a bottle of Pinot Noir.

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