The State of the President

I did not watch the State of the Union speech last night - I had to count the number of raisins in a bag and then the number of matches in a box - but I had seen this version an hour or so before the actual event.

My fellow Americans
Believers in all things possible

I am here tonight to share with you the State of the President

I know you thought that I was to talk about the State of the Union, but I will freely admit that I have not been to Union Station since I was fourteen.

As President, I have a hectic schedule. After I watch Fox News and then Teletubbies (which is where I get the ideas for my policies from), I have a series of phone calls with porn stars, felons, hat-makers, and wig designers. Then I get a security briefing, which is an ideal time to browse through shoe catalogs or brochures for various tan creams. Then I tweet – sometimes I tweet early, sometimes late – but tweeting is done to ensure that you all know the state of my mind. Once I tweet, then my mind of empty until the next tweet. I tweet the first thing that pops into my head. So as to make sure I am always tweet-free up there – I hate having ideas.

As the most successful President of any country in history, I don’t have to do much – just lie and call other people names. Both of these I am very good at. My friend Vladimir, who sends me secret messages every day and suggests really big ideas for tweets (it was his idea that we pull the troops out of Syria), says that I am by far the most deceitful President in the history of the species – he’s a terrific guy. You don’t get praised like that every day.

Tonight I will announce that I am expanding the border wall to be around every State in the Union except Puerto Rico – I don’t like that Ricky Martin and as far as I am concerned, Puerto Rico doesn’t sound American (I have my doubts about New Mexico too – we have enough problems with the old Mexico, don’t know why the founding fathers ever wanted a new one!). 

I am also going to build a wall between Canada and the United States to stop those pesky Trudeauians getting in and promoting universal health care, global trade and world peace – all dangerous ideas that will lead to hegemony and begonias – flowers that shouldn’t be in anyone’s garden.

I also intend to announce an amnesty for all the porn stars I have paid off as well as pardons for all my campaign staff and appointees who have or will be indicted by Robert Mueller. The witch hunter in chief will not besmirch my character with these characters. I can do this all by myself.

As you know, some of the world leading scientists have confirmed this, I am one of the most interesting narcissistic ego-maniac ignorant dufus’s to ever to occupy the White House – a title I am most proud of. This is why I surround myself with people who are also world-class at being bonkers – Rudi Giuliani, Stephen Miller, and Robert Bolton to name just five.

My economic strategy – lying about stuff that is about the economy and claiming that I am responsible for all the good things – is working. We have full employment, full money bags, full billionaires and a lot of poor people. Indeed, under my leadership, the number of poor people is growing faster than under any other President in history, thanks to my tax cuts, health care cuts and hiring Betsy de Vos. 

Two more years of this and then you have a chance to re-elect me, which you will. After all, Late Night Television has never been so good and Melania needs some new outfits and Barron can't leave until he has finished school, which will be six years from now. Then I will make him head of the FBI – what kid would investigate his Dad?

So, moving forward together, singing that song of union and marching to the tune of Yes we Are Bananas, I look forward to continuing to serve as the 4087th President of wherever we are.

God bless us all and God Save us!