Celebrity News: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl. She weighs 7 pounds 7 ounces and is 20 inches long…wait that's Tom.
China News: President Hu of China visited the White House and gave President Bush a traditional Chinese gift, a pirated bootleg copy of "Mission Impossible 3", two weeks before it came out.
China News: There was an awkward moment during President Hu's visit to the White House. A protester yelled, "Stop the persecution, stop the torture" and President Bush ask, "Which one of us are you talking to?"
National News: Here is some good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
Pentagon News: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that we are making progress and we are very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals.
China News: While in the United States the President of China made the rounds at Wal-Mart stores. You know, doing inventory.
Nevada News: Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman said he will not run for the U.S. Senate saying he prefers Las Vegas to Washington D.C. He prefers to stay in a city where trading cash for favors is still technically a crime.
Fashion News: The Bikini turned 60 years old this month. In a related story Liposuction turned 59.
Pentagon News: Despite six retired generals calling for his resignation, Donald Rumsfeld said he will stay until the entire Middle East is safely in the hands of warring religious fanatics.
FEMA News: Seeking repayment of $4.7 million from victims of hurricane Katrina, FEMA today ordered those victims "to stop being homeless" so that it would have somewhere to send the bills.
China News: The White House agreed to allow China to export chickens to America despite the outbreak of the bird flu virus in China. Republicans won't interrupt global trade until there`s a lobster flu virus.
FDA News: The FDA released a statement saying they have found no sound scientific studies showing benefits of medical marijuana. There are benefits, it`s just that researchers are too listless to write the report.
Random Thought: Both Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld made "surprise, secret visits" to Iraq last month and said things are going well. Our question is then why do they have to keep making "surprise, secret visits?"
Pentagon News: General Charles Swannack became the sixth retired general to demand Don Rumsfeld's resignation. The Pentagon isn`t taking this lying down. They just canceled all retirements.
Iran News: The bad news from the Middle East is that Iran is now capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel.
US National News: On his tax return President Bush listed Scooter Libby, Tom Delay and Jack Abramhoff as dependants. Then he caught himself and said, "Dependants? Oh, I thought it said defendants!"
Income Tax Update: The IRS now allows you to write off weight loss plans because the Bush administration considers obesity a disease. As opposed to the Clinton administration, which considered obesity sexy.
Pentagon News: Six retired generals are calling for Donald Rumsfeld to step down. But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors.
US National News: President Bush dismissed reports that the U.S. is planning to attack Iran as wild speculation. He then left to go to the Pentagon War Room to help plan "Operation Wild Speculation."
Reminder: Ask your accountant if paying taxes is right for you.
White House News: A man jumped the fence and made it onto the White House front lawn. It is the fourth time the same man has done this. We want to build a fence along the entire Mexico border to prevent illegal immigration and we can't even keep people out of the White House!
Mexico News: This is what we don`t get about this. They`ve got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico.
Immigration News: Hispanics took off work in ninety U.S. cities to stage amnesty protest marches. It seemed to go well, but when they got back to their jobs they had been replaced by illegal aliens.