Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world
owes you nothing. It was here first.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
THE TALKING CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "MANIAC! IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!"
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
Thanks Mike Scally..