One of my favourite TV shows from the UK is the Royle Family - a real sitcom where nothing happens - makes Seinfeld look like a carefully plotted mystery. BBC Canada are showing it right now. I think I like it because it could well have been the living room of almost any of my relatives on my Dad's side (and still could be) and, in many ways, it reminds me of my childhood. I also like it because there are great lines..here are some
From Series 1
Jim (scratching his backside) -“I paid a quid for these underpants, I’ve got 50p’s worth stuck up me arse.”
Nana -“It’s not worth doing a chicken just for one; it’s too much for one meal. You see, you can get four or five meals out of a chicken; you’re sick of it by Thursday.”
Jim -“Yeah, but you can just get a chicken breast, can’t you?”
Nana -“Well…I’m not that keen on chicken.”
Jim (after Denise threatens to sing) -"Remember when she sang in the bloody Feathers? What did she sing...that Whitney Houston number? She was that bad the landlord barred him bloody self out."
Denise- "I'm not pissed. I only had about 9."
Jim picks his nose.
Barb -"Haven't you got a hanky?!"
Jim -"In these pyjamas?! There's hardly enough room for me tackle!"
Nana -"I wanted to do one of those Friends and Family but I couldn't make up the numbers. Most of 'em were dead."
Denise (on Jim's birthday cake) - "Come on Dad! Blow it out!"
Jim - "I will buggery! There's five minutes left in that - save on the lecky."
Denise (reading out Dave's stars) - "As ever you are ruled by ure anus. Don't be mean with money. If someone you love gets a new leather jacket, don't moan about t'price."
Barb - "Ooh...is that Russell Grant? He's very good in't he?"
Barbara -"It's unlucky to see the Bride on the morning of the wedding."
Jim -"I don't remember seeing you that morning."
Norma -"Is this hat too far forward?"
Jim -"No, we can still see you face."
From Series 2
Denise -"We had to talk a bit about our partners and our partners had to talk a bit about us"
Barb -"And what did Dave say about you?"
Denise -"Well, he just said that I was pregnant."
Jim -"Bloody hell! That must have been a shock for the rest of the antenatal class!"
Jim -“That Richard Branson…he wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss that fella.”
Twiggy -"Don't worry about me Barb; I eat any old shite."
Jim -"One greedy, scrounging git that fella. What a bloody brass neck! Coming back here for his Sunday dinner!"
Dave -"You asked him Jim!"
Jim -"I know...but I didn't think he'd say 'Yes!'"
Norma -"Betty buried her husband on Wednesday..."
Barb -"Did you go to the funeral Mam?"
Norma -"No, I weren't invited. They wanted to keep it to those that knew him."
Denise -"Hey...when me and Dave went on our honeymoon to Tenerife, right, we was on the plane and we thought it was just gonna be the first drink that was free, but it was all free...yeah, we was bladdered weren't we?"
Dave -"Absolutely hammered."
Jim -"Nice one."
Denise -"So I'm at it 'Daddy, Daddy, guess what?' didn't I Dave?
Barb -"And did he know what you meant?
Dave and Denise -"No"
Denise -"And then I said, you know, 'I'm pregnant,' like that and the penny dropped didn't it Dave?
Dave -"Yeah. Straight away. Yeah."
Twiggy (on his ex) -"Turned out she was knocking off Duckers an' all!"
Barb -"Ooh...ooh...I AM sorry. How did you find out?"
Twiggy -"Duckers told me."
Barb -"Did he?"
Twiggy -"Well...he IS me mate!"
From Series 3
Barb -"Ooh...it is common that wallpaper; I'll be glad to get that woodchip up."
Twiggy -"You did well there Barb...pound a roll."
Dave -"I love red sauce, me."
Denise -"I don't like it."
Barb - "Ooh, it's funny that, isn't it? Him liking red sauce and you not liking red sauce, and yet you get on so well."
Denise -"Yeah."Barb -"I wonder what sauce Baby David'll like."
Barb (on Anthony) -"He's good with Baby David."
Jim -"Only 'cos he's the same bloody mental age as he is!"
Denise -"Get lost! Baby David's miles brighter than our Anthony!"
Barb (on Anthony) -"Ooh! Do you know who he reminds me of? Him! What's his name? ... Dick Whittington!"
Jim -"Oh aye. He's like Dick Whittington but without the bloody Whittington."
Dave -"I don't bother with all that out-of-date stuff me Barbara."
Barb -"Don't you Dave? Ooh...in't that a lovely way to live?"
Norma (after Elsie's death) - "In every cloud there's a silver lining. I didn't think I'd get that much wear out of this black cardigan....Do you think I could have her Senopods?"
- so if you think I had an odd childhood, after reading these, then you'd be right. Watch the show..