The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.
And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
Tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing. And also we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.
But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.
At London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs, and confiscated a gold watch for himself.
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.
There's only 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't!