Tuesday, February 22, 2005

You Have to Smile..

Had a few interesting moments recently.. Went to the doctors, she told me I was “fat!”

I told her:
I aint fat

Fat is when you get on a set of scales and they
Say “to be continued..”

Fat is when you get on an up escalator and it starts going down!

Fat is when you put in corduroy pants and you cant see lines..

Fat is when you go jogging and you hear applause, but there’s no one there – its just you fat ass making all that noise..

So I aint fat..

I am doing well tho – still having sex at 53, this is good – I live at 54 so I don’t have far to walk..

I just put a skylight in my ceiling, I like it, but the people upstairs are really pissed off..

I just bought a microwave fireplace, you can spend an entire evening in front of it in just 8 minutes..

I bought some used paint, it was in the shape of a house..

I was born by Caesarean section – you cant really tell, but when I leave the house I do so through a window..

I have a hobby…I own the world’s largest collection of sea shells, so big is it that I have placed them on beeches all over the world, maybe you’ve seen some of them..

The other day I was playing poker with Tarrot cards – got a full house and four people died..

I saw a woman wearing a Tshirt that said “guess” on it – so I said implants – she hit me!

I don’t approve of political jokes – I’ve seen too many of them get elected..

Been away for a while, living in Europe. People ask me what I was doing there…well, this and that – mainly that and very little of this..

But I got a job writing billboard slogans..better than the job I had proofreading for a sky-writing company..

Anyway, thought you might like to hear some of the billboard suggestions I made that didn’t go anywhere..

HOOVER Our products suck

N AM FERTILIZER You think you job involves a lot of bullshit..

AM School of
Proctology Giving someone a finger isn’t always a bad thing

Canadian Armed
Forces We’re proud of our privates!

But I did start to explore some more research questions – those life puzzles that make us think..


If flying is so safe, why do they call airports terminals?

How come American’s only get to chose between 2 men for President, but 50 women for Miss America ?

How come most nudists are the very people you would never like to see naked?

If drunk driving is illegal, why do bars have to have parking lots ?

If never the twain shall meet, how did Shania get pregnant?

Is it OK to go door to door selling no soliciting signs?

Should gay students get straight A’s ?

What’s another word for thesaurus ?

How come the word “phonetic” isn’t spelled as it sounds ?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to go with them ?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is this considered a hostage situation ?

Whatever happened to preparations A to G ?

How come only fat people drink diet cola ?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets ?

If a man stands alone in the forrest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong ?

Anyway, I just thought I should share these things with you. You never know, you may even be smiling by now..

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