If an airline has ever lost your luggage, even after your claim has been settled and the matter closed (at least as far as the airline is concerned), you can't help wondering, "Where did my bag go? Red Deer ? Dudley ? Ramsbottom ?"
The chances are it went to Scottsboro, Alabama.
Every year thousands and thousands of wayward suitcases end up in Scottsboro—specifically, at the Unclaimed Baggage Center. Once an airline has tried and failed to reunite suitcase and owner (a process that varies according to airline), it will compensate the owner and sell the suitcase—and all its contents—to the UBC, which buys suitcases by the truckload and hauls them to its 50,000-square-foot complex in Scottsboro. There the UBC staff sorts through the bags and puts their contents in a showroom (or some of them: others are given to charity, still others discarded), where they can be seen and bought by members of the public. Just as people flock to chairty stores in the UK to look for bargains, so they flock to UBC (also the name of the University of British Columbia - a kind of place of lost concepts). Some 2.5-3m people visit UBC (the bags centre) each year.
UBC started in 1970, with a rented old house, a borrowed old truck, and a $300 loan. Today the center gets nearly 7,000 new items every day, and the owner says that people can't seem to get enough. "It's a treasure hunt," he says. "Every day is like Christmas here—we never know what we're going to find. Just last week we found a twenty-eight-thousand-dollar tennis bracelet and a one-point-six-karat diamond ring. We've had a medicine-man stick adorned with a shrunken head, and a Nikon camera that was in the Space Shuttle. Back in the eighties we got a well-traveled Gucci suitcase that was packed with artifacts that dated back to 1500 B.C. And once we found a guidance system for an F-16 fighter jet, in a shockproof case from the Department of the U.S. Navy. It was labeled 'Handle With Extreme Caution—I Am Worth My Weight in Gold.'"
The UBC sent that one back.
I wonder if Lord Lucan is hiding in a suitcase there ? Sir John Mortimer (Rumpole of the Bailey's creator) reports that he was once approached by a very close friend of Lord Lucan to ask whether there was a statute of limitations on murder cases - "a closer friend would like to know". He gives the impression that it was abundantly clear to both of them who they were talking about. Since there isnt - murder is murder whenever it was done - Lucan remains elusive. This is more a lost Lord story than a lost luggage story.
Whenever I check in at Air Canada I indicate that I would like one bag to go to Calcutta and the other to Calgary. When they say "we can't do that Sir!" I quickly point out that this is exactly what they did the last time.
With thanks to the Atlantic Monthly.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Calling God...
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when henoticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest whowas strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if thiswas the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 hecould talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see if the SCOTS had the same phone. He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign."Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's a local call".
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when henoticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest whowas strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if thiswas the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 hecould talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see if the SCOTS had the same phone. He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign."Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's a local call".
Oprah with Frey's
Oprah did an interesting thing yesterday. She had been widely criticised for supporting author James Frey's book A Million Little Pieces - A Memoir following the disclosure that many parts of the book are either fabrications (two wisdom teeth extracted without novocane) or distortions (suicide by hanging versus suicide by wrist slashing) or fiction. So, she had the author back and his publisher and confronted them. Good television.
However, Frey's point was simple. A memoir is his recollections and understandings of something. It is not "truth", in just the same way as Churchill's memoir of his dealings with de Gaulle differ radically from de Gaulle's. A memoir is just that - one persons view of what happened to them. I doubt that Bruce Chatwin's memoirs would stand rigorous fact checking.
Part of the problem here is that the book is so powerful because it is fantastical. Another part of the problem is that the book's author says on the dust jacket "The Truth - Its All That Matters". The final part of the problem is that the book was originally offered as fiction, no takers - so it was then offered as a memoir.
Oprah's naiveté showed. She asked if every fact in the book had been checked, since its non fiction. What a daft question. When you read Hilary Clinton's account of her life to date, I doubt that the publisher had every date, fact, detail checked. When A J P Talyors books of history were offered to a publisher, are they expected to hire another historian to check every fact. When someone writes a biography of Graeme Greene, are they supposed to hire another biographer to check all of the facts. When I sign a contract with a publisher, this is my responsibility as an author.
She asked if the lawyers had checked it. They had - for libel - they are not fact checkers. She asked a Washington Post reporter what he thought and he suggested that all such books should be fact checked - this from a paper that authors 2,350 corrections to errors each year and from an industry where people fabricate news or embellish daily.
The world is messy, Oprah, get used to it. But keep on giving us good televison.
But dont get so easily misled. Talk about fact checking, on her own show the day before she had Professor Dr. Michael Osterholm, an infectious disease expert from the University of Minnesota, talking about the possible bird flu pandemic. He claimed that the best estimates were that some 350m would be infected and between 75m and 150m would die (who did the fact checking here?). He claimed that the global economy would likely collapse (who did the fact checking here?).
He made similar claims about SARS a few years ago. In fact, 600 people died from SARS (not the 50m which the WHO predicted would die). He predicted that world trade would be disrupted and, while Toronto and Hong Kong experienced some disruption, some very minor preturberance of trade was there, it was small. So why should we beleieve this guy.
Give me Frey anytime.
However, Frey's point was simple. A memoir is his recollections and understandings of something. It is not "truth", in just the same way as Churchill's memoir of his dealings with de Gaulle differ radically from de Gaulle's. A memoir is just that - one persons view of what happened to them. I doubt that Bruce Chatwin's memoirs would stand rigorous fact checking.
Part of the problem here is that the book is so powerful because it is fantastical. Another part of the problem is that the book's author says on the dust jacket "The Truth - Its All That Matters". The final part of the problem is that the book was originally offered as fiction, no takers - so it was then offered as a memoir.
Oprah's naiveté showed. She asked if every fact in the book had been checked, since its non fiction. What a daft question. When you read Hilary Clinton's account of her life to date, I doubt that the publisher had every date, fact, detail checked. When A J P Talyors books of history were offered to a publisher, are they expected to hire another historian to check every fact. When someone writes a biography of Graeme Greene, are they supposed to hire another biographer to check all of the facts. When I sign a contract with a publisher, this is my responsibility as an author.
She asked if the lawyers had checked it. They had - for libel - they are not fact checkers. She asked a Washington Post reporter what he thought and he suggested that all such books should be fact checked - this from a paper that authors 2,350 corrections to errors each year and from an industry where people fabricate news or embellish daily.
The world is messy, Oprah, get used to it. But keep on giving us good televison.
But dont get so easily misled. Talk about fact checking, on her own show the day before she had Professor Dr. Michael Osterholm, an infectious disease expert from the University of Minnesota, talking about the possible bird flu pandemic. He claimed that the best estimates were that some 350m would be infected and between 75m and 150m would die (who did the fact checking here?). He claimed that the global economy would likely collapse (who did the fact checking here?).
He made similar claims about SARS a few years ago. In fact, 600 people died from SARS (not the 50m which the WHO predicted would die). He predicted that world trade would be disrupted and, while Toronto and Hong Kong experienced some disruption, some very minor preturberance of trade was there, it was small. So why should we beleieve this guy.
Give me Frey anytime.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Limbo
Canadian's elected a new Government on Monday. The old government is still in place. We practice this strange thing here called "transition". The new and old governments agree on a time-table and the old Government works to make sure that things are in order for the new team. Harper doesn't take over until Feb 6th.
Its bollocks. The public service should be ready for a new government, with briefing books on key issues, an analysis of the actions needed to make the policies of the new Government happen and a team in place to support the new Ministers in their new portfolio's. In Britain, the transition is over in a matter of hours - here it will take days.
There are great stories of the new British Prime Minister (Harold Wilson) walking in the front door of 10 Downing Street while the old Prime Minister (Edward Heath) was helping the movers move his piano out of the back door.
So what will be happening now shouldn't be called "transition" but rather "sanitization" - cleaning up and making things look better than they really are. You'd better believe it..
Its bollocks. The public service should be ready for a new government, with briefing books on key issues, an analysis of the actions needed to make the policies of the new Government happen and a team in place to support the new Ministers in their new portfolio's. In Britain, the transition is over in a matter of hours - here it will take days.
There are great stories of the new British Prime Minister (Harold Wilson) walking in the front door of 10 Downing Street while the old Prime Minister (Edward Heath) was helping the movers move his piano out of the back door.
So what will be happening now shouldn't be called "transition" but rather "sanitization" - cleaning up and making things look better than they really are. You'd better believe it..
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Getting the Environmentalists Angry
Environmentalists are going to be upset with Stephen Harper’s government. This is not a bad thing. It is about time we all faced up to reality and looked beneath the rhetoric of the Kyoto religion and asked “what can we really do about global warming and sustainable development?”
Environmentalists have ignored the last twelve annual reports of the federal Commissioner of the Environment who observes each year that the Government of Canada is strong on rhetoric and weak on action. The new Minister of the Environment will soon recognize that Canada has no strategy for the oceans, no strategy for clean water, no real strategy for achieving the Kyoto targets, no commitment for Government to leverage is $13b in annual procurements to buy green and is exceptionally weak on accountability measures of progress. This is why the OECD ranks Canada 24th out of 24 countries on its environmental policy action.
The commitments of the Conservative Party are clear. They will require a 5% bio-fuels content in all gasoline by 2010; create incentives for the use of public transport; pass a Clean Air Act to improve the quality of the air we breathe; support and enable the faster adoption of technology by industry so as to reduce green house gas emissions; pursue a range of actions to improve water quality and protect water supplies and clean up the 10,000 polluted land areas in Canada.
They also intend to join the US, Australia, India, Japan, China and South Korea in the Asia-Pacific Partnership on clean development, energy security, and climate change and intends to recognise that Canada will not meet the Kyoto targets. We will follow Japan in retaining our role in Kyoto while at the same time partnering with our polluting peers to leverage technology in pursuit of a greener environment. This will anger many environmentalists who see Kyoto as a sacred text.
Canada signed Kyoto in 1997 and proceeded to increase green house gas emissions at a faster rate than any other signatory. The US, who didn’t sign, has slowed the growth of its emissions and is pursuing a strategy based on city (195 US cities have committed to reductions at least as demanding as Kyoto) and industry adoption of new technologies. China, which burns a great deal of coal, will likely be first to achieve dramatic results in clean coal technology for no other reason than they have to. Treating Kyoto as a sick solution is the only sensible thing to do.
The other sensible thing to do is to focus on a few alternative energy sources – bio-fuels and solid oxide fuel cells, for example – and minimise others. The German government is the largest user of wind power in the world. They have recently recognized that this has not been a great investment and that they would have been smarter to invest the same funds in incentives for every home in Germany to be fully insulated. We need to be smart here too, and focus our resources on those actions which will have most impact. No more “one tonne challenges” and a strong focus on real incentives and results.
The environmental portfolio is a good example of the way in which the conservatives will be different from the Liberals. In this portfolio, the Liberals talked a good story and preached to citizens, but did very little. They berated the US on moral grounds, but quietly admired them for actually doing something. The conservatives will act decisively, partner with communities, cities and industries and will achieve results. Rather than berating the US, we will partner with them and co-operate on research and development. They will also hold themselves accountable for action. And this is what those of us concerned with the environment actually want – action and results.
Environmentalists have ignored the last twelve annual reports of the federal Commissioner of the Environment who observes each year that the Government of Canada is strong on rhetoric and weak on action. The new Minister of the Environment will soon recognize that Canada has no strategy for the oceans, no strategy for clean water, no real strategy for achieving the Kyoto targets, no commitment for Government to leverage is $13b in annual procurements to buy green and is exceptionally weak on accountability measures of progress. This is why the OECD ranks Canada 24th out of 24 countries on its environmental policy action.
The commitments of the Conservative Party are clear. They will require a 5% bio-fuels content in all gasoline by 2010; create incentives for the use of public transport; pass a Clean Air Act to improve the quality of the air we breathe; support and enable the faster adoption of technology by industry so as to reduce green house gas emissions; pursue a range of actions to improve water quality and protect water supplies and clean up the 10,000 polluted land areas in Canada.
They also intend to join the US, Australia, India, Japan, China and South Korea in the Asia-Pacific Partnership on clean development, energy security, and climate change and intends to recognise that Canada will not meet the Kyoto targets. We will follow Japan in retaining our role in Kyoto while at the same time partnering with our polluting peers to leverage technology in pursuit of a greener environment. This will anger many environmentalists who see Kyoto as a sacred text.
Canada signed Kyoto in 1997 and proceeded to increase green house gas emissions at a faster rate than any other signatory. The US, who didn’t sign, has slowed the growth of its emissions and is pursuing a strategy based on city (195 US cities have committed to reductions at least as demanding as Kyoto) and industry adoption of new technologies. China, which burns a great deal of coal, will likely be first to achieve dramatic results in clean coal technology for no other reason than they have to. Treating Kyoto as a sick solution is the only sensible thing to do.
The other sensible thing to do is to focus on a few alternative energy sources – bio-fuels and solid oxide fuel cells, for example – and minimise others. The German government is the largest user of wind power in the world. They have recently recognized that this has not been a great investment and that they would have been smarter to invest the same funds in incentives for every home in Germany to be fully insulated. We need to be smart here too, and focus our resources on those actions which will have most impact. No more “one tonne challenges” and a strong focus on real incentives and results.
The environmental portfolio is a good example of the way in which the conservatives will be different from the Liberals. In this portfolio, the Liberals talked a good story and preached to citizens, but did very little. They berated the US on moral grounds, but quietly admired them for actually doing something. The conservatives will act decisively, partner with communities, cities and industries and will achieve results. Rather than berating the US, we will partner with them and co-operate on research and development. They will also hold themselves accountable for action. And this is what those of us concerned with the environment actually want – action and results.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Its All Over Bar The Shouting
So its over. Canada has a new government, well kind of. We voted (wel,, 65% of us) for a minority Conservative Government with a surprisingly strong Liberal opposition, a 50 seat Bloc Quebcois party and a rejuvinated NDP.
The questions we ask now are "who will be in Stephen Harper's cabinet", "who will lead the Liberal party now that Mr Dithers (a.k.a. Paul Martin) has stepped down?" and "how on earth will the Government work?".
So here would be a smart thing to do. Form a Government of national unity (as we are asking the Iraqi's to do) with Belinda Stronach in cabinet. Do a deal with the NDP over key issues they have in common - accountability, for example - and make the promised GST cuts fast. Gain traction.
It wont happen. But it would be interesting to see some imgaination...
The questions we ask now are "who will be in Stephen Harper's cabinet", "who will lead the Liberal party now that Mr Dithers (a.k.a. Paul Martin) has stepped down?" and "how on earth will the Government work?".
So here would be a smart thing to do. Form a Government of national unity (as we are asking the Iraqi's to do) with Belinda Stronach in cabinet. Do a deal with the NDP over key issues they have in common - accountability, for example - and make the promised GST cuts fast. Gain traction.
It wont happen. But it would be interesting to see some imgaination...
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Taking the Register
The original idea was simple. Anyone who committed a sex related crime would be recorded on a register of sex offenders. Anyone applying to work with children - especially in schools, social services, foster care, health care - would be subjected to a vetting process, including a review of whether or not they were on the register. The UK was pioneering this (though California has been doing it for many years).
It emerged last week that 298 individuals on the list were allowed to work in schools. Well, technically 210 were given permission and 88 were not disbarred (go figure). The decision in the end was made by a Minister on the advice of the local police.
Not quite what people thought was happening. In fact, it looks to me like it may actually help you get that extra attention needed to secure a job...
It emerged last week that 298 individuals on the list were allowed to work in schools. Well, technically 210 were given permission and 88 were not disbarred (go figure). The decision in the end was made by a Minister on the advice of the local police.
Not quite what people thought was happening. In fact, it looks to me like it may actually help you get that extra attention needed to secure a job...
"Don't Turn Your Back on the Liberals"
Mark Oaten, who just two weeks ago was a candidate for the leadership of the UK Liberal party, resigned following his acknowledgement of a newspaper story that he had an affair with a "rent boy".
This is all in the tradition of the UK Liberal Party. Many years ago, Jeremy Thorpe was a charismatic leader of the party and he too had an affair with a rent boy. But he was smart, he hired someone to kill him. They took the boy and his dog out on the moorlands and shot the dog, but missed the boy. The boy sued and Thorpe was in court.
At the very time this was happening a massive poster campaign ran throughout Britain. The poster said "Don't Turn Your Back on the Liberals" - a gift to all comedians, especially the late Dave Allen...who added "especially if you are a young boy walking around Kings Cross late at night!".
The leadership election has been caused by the resignation of Charles Kennedy, the best leader they have had in many a year. He resigned due to the impact his drinking was having on his ability to lead. Sometimes he didn't show up. Sometimes, when he did people wished he hadn't. Sometimes the drink really helped him give outstanding speeches, such as his admission that he had a drink problem.
The front runner is Sir Menzies Campbell - another Scottish MP (Kennedy was Scottish, Joe Grimmond who was also a leader many years ago was Scottish). A genial old buffer, he is as unlikely to want to bugger a young boy as he is to get drunk with some ladies of the night. Boring, dull and a safe pair of hands who will confidently lose many of the seats Charles Kennedy successfully helped to win since 1999.
The real choice is Simon Hughes. He doesn't have the kind of support amongst his peers that is needed to win. The reason: he is a gifted, natural leader. So this leaves those who aren't jealous.
There is another candidate. His name is Chris Huhne. A brand new MP, elected at the last general election in May 2005. A fellow journalist, he is more boring than Sir Menzies....so all he is doing is positioning himself for status within the party.
I hope they do the right thing by Charles Kennedy - a peerage (a knighthood certainly) and a significant strategy role. Oh, and a bottle of Scotch..
This is all in the tradition of the UK Liberal Party. Many years ago, Jeremy Thorpe was a charismatic leader of the party and he too had an affair with a rent boy. But he was smart, he hired someone to kill him. They took the boy and his dog out on the moorlands and shot the dog, but missed the boy. The boy sued and Thorpe was in court.
At the very time this was happening a massive poster campaign ran throughout Britain. The poster said "Don't Turn Your Back on the Liberals" - a gift to all comedians, especially the late Dave Allen...who added "especially if you are a young boy walking around Kings Cross late at night!".
The leadership election has been caused by the resignation of Charles Kennedy, the best leader they have had in many a year. He resigned due to the impact his drinking was having on his ability to lead. Sometimes he didn't show up. Sometimes, when he did people wished he hadn't. Sometimes the drink really helped him give outstanding speeches, such as his admission that he had a drink problem.
The front runner is Sir Menzies Campbell - another Scottish MP (Kennedy was Scottish, Joe Grimmond who was also a leader many years ago was Scottish). A genial old buffer, he is as unlikely to want to bugger a young boy as he is to get drunk with some ladies of the night. Boring, dull and a safe pair of hands who will confidently lose many of the seats Charles Kennedy successfully helped to win since 1999.
The real choice is Simon Hughes. He doesn't have the kind of support amongst his peers that is needed to win. The reason: he is a gifted, natural leader. So this leaves those who aren't jealous.
There is another candidate. His name is Chris Huhne. A brand new MP, elected at the last general election in May 2005. A fellow journalist, he is more boring than Sir Menzies....so all he is doing is positioning himself for status within the party.
I hope they do the right thing by Charles Kennedy - a peerage (a knighthood certainly) and a significant strategy role. Oh, and a bottle of Scotch..
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The Next Big Thing..
Canadian's are about to elect a new government (except, as one little girl told me many years ago "it doesn't matter who you vote for, the government always gets in"). It looks like a very new government. One way or another, we will shift from a Liberal government which has been in power for 13 years to a Conservative government, none of whom have ever held office in a Federal Government. The only issue is whether it will be a minority government or a narrow majority government. Either way, our new Prime Minister will be Stephen Harper.
Our official opposition will almost certainly be the Bloc Quebecois - if the Liberals are truly trounced, as looks likely.
Canadian Conservatives are nothing like "real" conservatives - Margaret Thatcher's team for example with Sir Keith Joseph. Here conservatives are bland, modest people who believe in a slightly smaller government with slightly less tolerance of such things as gay marriage (a nonsense which Canada has adopted). There are a few nut cases in the Tory group, but there are even more in the NDP. So I predict no major change.
The problem I have with the election here is that not a single candidate has connected with this house by telephone, pamphlet or in person. When I ran the 1974 Cardiff West campaign we canvassed every house in person 3 times in 4 weeks. We leafleted every house three times and we ran local meetings and paradades. This is like taking a valium.
On Tuesday when the results are out, expect various worthies to be shocked and alarmed at change - don't panic.
Our official opposition will almost certainly be the Bloc Quebecois - if the Liberals are truly trounced, as looks likely.
Canadian Conservatives are nothing like "real" conservatives - Margaret Thatcher's team for example with Sir Keith Joseph. Here conservatives are bland, modest people who believe in a slightly smaller government with slightly less tolerance of such things as gay marriage (a nonsense which Canada has adopted). There are a few nut cases in the Tory group, but there are even more in the NDP. So I predict no major change.
The problem I have with the election here is that not a single candidate has connected with this house by telephone, pamphlet or in person. When I ran the 1974 Cardiff West campaign we canvassed every house in person 3 times in 4 weeks. We leafleted every house three times and we ran local meetings and paradades. This is like taking a valium.
On Tuesday when the results are out, expect various worthies to be shocked and alarmed at change - don't panic.
Friday, January 20, 2006
25 Things to Worry About
Give a moments thought to these "deep" questions:
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they can be assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your tuppence in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you have to wear the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22. Do the 'Alphabet' song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?
Then why did you just try singing the two songs?
23. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, But call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
24. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad At you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
25. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place ?
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they can be assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your tuppence in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you have to wear the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22. Do the 'Alphabet' song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?
Then why did you just try singing the two songs?
23. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, But call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
24. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad At you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
25. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place ?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Rain
Vancouver. Rain. Cold. Damp. Like London on a wet week-end. It has rained here every day for 30 days now and parts of the City were under evacuation alert - in danger of land drifting due to the water levels in the ground..while the danger has passed, it tells us something about the way in which rain permeates this place.
I like Vancouver, but not in this kind of weather. Staying in the hotel, reading and watching TV is not my idea of fun.
Golden Globes last night - nice show. Good responses from Hugh Laurie (House) and Gina Davis (Commander in Chief). Oscars coming 5th March.
The big news is that Michelle - Glyn's lady - was denied access to the US on Sunday. They didnt believe shw was just going for 6 months - looked like she was setting up for a permenant stay. Three choices: (a) collect documents etc showing that she will only be there for 6 months; (b) Glyn works a reasonable amount of his contract, but gets a job back here; (c) marriage. I think they are working on (b), though I think (a) is the better option. We'll see.
You'd never know that the US is facing labour shortages and that lawyers (two - count them) advised that there would not be a problem.
I feel sorry for these two. Its been a hassle. All character building, I know, but..
I like Vancouver, but not in this kind of weather. Staying in the hotel, reading and watching TV is not my idea of fun.
Golden Globes last night - nice show. Good responses from Hugh Laurie (House) and Gina Davis (Commander in Chief). Oscars coming 5th March.
The big news is that Michelle - Glyn's lady - was denied access to the US on Sunday. They didnt believe shw was just going for 6 months - looked like she was setting up for a permenant stay. Three choices: (a) collect documents etc showing that she will only be there for 6 months; (b) Glyn works a reasonable amount of his contract, but gets a job back here; (c) marriage. I think they are working on (b), though I think (a) is the better option. We'll see.
You'd never know that the US is facing labour shortages and that lawyers (two - count them) advised that there would not be a problem.
I feel sorry for these two. Its been a hassle. All character building, I know, but..
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Red Priest
A packed baroque concert last night with a wide age range (10 - 90 years) to see British/ Canadian group Red Priest. Dressed as pirates (they'd seen Pirates of the Caribbean!), the concert began with examples of how composers (Bach, Telemann and Vivaldi for example) stole music from others - "they stole from the poor to give to the rich". It ended with a fun version of Bach's Cello suite leading to some folk violin playing by David Greenberg (Cape Breton and a visitng member of the group replacing their normal violinist, Julia Bishop) and ended with Corelli.The group performed. I mean really performed - putting on a show that was fun, engaging. This is a tall order for a cello, violin, harpsichord and recorder quartet. Its helped by the fact that they were having fun (at one point mimmicking a rock band - and by the fact that they are all virtuso performers in their own right. Piers Adams is widely regarded as the best recorder player in the world (including by himself) and the violinist plays both classical and folk. The cellist, Angela East (who plays a 1725 British made cello) is very skilled and the continuo playing of Howard Beech was outstanding (if you like that kind of thing).
For a baroque concert, it was over the top - but then, "if you haven't been over the top, how do you know what's on the other side?" (George Pratt, english musicologist and broadcaster).
Friday, January 13, 2006
Women..
My memory is full of films, music and other encounters with stunningly beuatiful women. Yet my friend Barrie Hopson has just pointed out something....well, see for yourself..
- Brigitte Bardot 71
- Sophia Loren 71
- Gina Lollobrigida 78
- Deborah Kerr 94
- Lena Horne 88
- Kay Starr 83
- Patti Page 78
- Angie Dickinson 74
- Doris Day 81
- Joan Collins 72
- Julie Christie 64
- Leslie Caron 74
- Carroll Baker 74
- Ann-Margret 64
- Debra Padget 72
- Julie Andrews 70
- Ursula Andress 69
- Rita Moreno 74
- Jean Simmons 76
- Julie Newmar 72
- Kim Novak 72
- Jane Powell 76
- Debbie Reynolds 73
- Shirley Temple 77
- Jane Russell 84
- Kathryn Grayson 83
- Esther Williams 82
- Elke Sommer 65
- Gale Storm 83
- Jill St. John 65
- Liz Taylor 73
- Mamie Van Doren 74
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Alight
Yesterday, a man receiving treatment at the University Hospital in Edmonton burned himself. He did so by lighting a cigaratte. He lit it adjacent to the oxygen mask he had moved slightly from his mouth and nose so that he could, he thought, get oxygen in his nose while also having a smoke. The oxygen caught fire and burned him. He has 3rd degree burns over 15% of his body.
The good news is that the oxygen tank in his room did not explode. If it did, he may be dead by now (smoking can kill).
The hospital will now treat him for this additional set of medical issues which he caused by his own stupidity.
Can you believe this stuff ? I find it tough to imagine this scenario, but it did happen. All around the hospital there are no smoking signs. Edmonton is increasingly a smoke free zone. What can he have been thinking ? Obviously a candidate for a Darwin Award...
The good news is that the oxygen tank in his room did not explode. If it did, he may be dead by now (smoking can kill).
The hospital will now treat him for this additional set of medical issues which he caused by his own stupidity.
Can you believe this stuff ? I find it tough to imagine this scenario, but it did happen. All around the hospital there are no smoking signs. Edmonton is increasingly a smoke free zone. What can he have been thinking ? Obviously a candidate for a Darwin Award...
Friday, December 30, 2005
Mencken was Right!
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
H. L. Mencken
There are no real, ideologically substantial Canadian politics. Its shades of centralism - all parties now want big government, want to maintain signuficant levels of taxation and rely on the US for defence, economic growth and security. There are no "radical" plans for anything.
So as to keep the populace alarmed, scandal is found in small things. For example, around $150m was "wasted" on a foolhardy campaign to use promotions and publicity to create a spirit of Canada that might keep Quebec in Canada. Most of this money was used corruptly. It shouldnt have happened, we all agree. So we spend $200m finding out what went wrong. We lose more than this daily on social security fraud.
The most recent alarm is over whether or not the Finance Ministry leaked the fact that it intended to take no action on income trusts before a formal annoucement to this effect was made. Smart people would look at the situation - three days before an election call which we all new was coming, a known set of advice to the Minister recommending no action and a complete inability to enact the required legislation all led to a run on income trust stock some 2-3 hours before close of trade on the day the Finance Minister was due to make his announcement (it was also known that he would speak to the press on that day). Ah, say some, making sure we are all alarmed, corruption. Calls for resignation. Panic, Fear.
Not really. Most Canadian's think an income trust is something you wear to keep your money safe when on holiday abroad. They dont especially care. Its not, as of now, important. But to keep fear alive, off we go with rounds of speeches, sound bites and brooh-ha-ha making it seem as if the sky is falling in.
If this doesnt work, expect more about the coming flu pandemic or the threat of the pine beetle or the dangers of a comet hitting the earth. All will start to appear before January 23rd if our politicians can scare us to vote in some other way. Hobgoblins will be the least of our worries.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Engineering our Future...
Here are a list of some key engineers from China, all of whom have two things in common:
- Hu Jintao - Hydrolics Engineering
- Wu Bangguo - Radio and Electronics Engineering
- Wen Jiabao - Geomechanics/Engineering
- Jia Qinglin - Electrical Engineering
- Zeng Qinghong - Control Systems Engineering
- Huang Ju - Electrical Engineering
- Wu Guanzheng - Thermal Engineering
- Li Changchun - Electrical Engineering
- Luo Gan - Machine Casting Mining and Metallurgy - Senior Engineer
In this last year, China graduated some 600,000 engineers - the US and Canada between them graduates less than 70,000. By 2010, China plans to graduate 1,000,000 engineers each year.
One of the key metrics Alan Cornford has identified in terms of understanding the innovation supply chain is the need for qualified scientists and technologists to be significantly present in the workforce - around 10% triggers significant adoption of innovation. China understands this, and is working towards this very fast indeed. Canada is "stuck" at around 6.5% of the workforce with and S backgorund.
Some 300,000,000 chineese are now middle class - around the total population of the US. What's more, wages in China grow on average at 6% each year and have done so for the last 20 years. This leads some, notably Harvard's Richard Freeman, to suggest that wages in China will surpass those of the US by 2035-2040 (the wages of India will surpass those of the UK at roughly the same time).
Many dismiss these developments since they see them as China growing through a focus on low cost manufacturing. Its a mistake to do so. China, as is India, is moving up the value chain and focusing on biotechnologies, energy and life-sciences. For example, China will likely be the country that finds the cleanest use for coal and will sell its technology to Canada. India received some $5b in inward investment in ICT from Micorosoft, Cisco and Intel for advanced R
What is shifting here is not manufacturing, but the innovation agenda. Look to China and India for new thinking about what this agenda will become.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Employment by Breast
A rule that women applying for government jobs in central Hunan Province (China) had to show that they had symmetrically shaped breasts sparked a public uproar last year and led to calls for stronger legal protection against job discrimination throughout China. While Hunan scrapped its requirement, China still does not have clear-cut laws ruling out such hiring prejudices. This according to a press release from Reuters.
Doesnt this sound a bit far fetched to you ?
But then this is the week which has seen a restraining order issued in Sante Fe against David Letterman for sending subliminal messages to a lady in New Mexico since 1993 (see earlier blog entry). The same judge who issued the order last week, quashed it this week on the grounds that the original submission was baseless. What a difference a few days makes.
Also, this is the month in which a US trade union hired workers to picket Wal-Mart protesting against their low wages. However, the Union hired the workers at $6 an hour - a little less than Wal-Mart paid their lowest paid employees ($6.75). Go figure.
Also this week, a baggage handler drove his truck into the side of an Alaska Airlines airplane punching a hole in the skin of the aircraft and didn't tell anyone about it. In flight, the plane decompressed and had to make an urgent landing back at Sea-Tac. Since this is the airline my son (Glyn) travels on, this is serious.
But back to "nice tits, you're in, odd tits your out" - I wonder if this is why I didn't get the dream job I applied for recently.
Reflections
Reading Alan Bennett's Untold Stories I am struck by how many similarities there are between his family life and mine. His mother, like mine, was in and out of mental health care for "depression" (sic) and was frequently subjected to shock treatment. He, like me, was the first in the family to go to University - "all that brain work, not good for you son" said my father, could have been Alan's. His father, like mine, was taciturn. He lived in Leeds and me in Bradford, but we share patterns of growing up - school, cinema going, library use, holiday destinations. Interesting.
I dont have his talent. He is, in my view, Britain's greatest living writer for the stage and diarist (now that Lees Milne is no longer with us). He is able to turn his wry eye for observation into drama's that touch our hearts - Talking Heads 1 and 2 are strong examples of this, but so too are Kafka's Dick and Madness of King George III.
But for me, his observations in his diaries are powerful and effective and very funny. Take for example this exchange:
Motorist to Pedestrian: Excuse me, do you know the Bradford turn-off?
Pedestrian: Better ought to, I'm married to her!
Which is a typical Bennet "evesdropping". Another I like is between two elderly women. One asks the other "Elspeth, who was it that painted the Cistene Chappel?" and the other replies "Oh, Edith, I'm not sure - was it Underwoods of Bramley?".
He also comments on the fact that Lord Webber (Andrew Lloyd Webber of old) bought a Canaletti painting for several millions of pounds using a credit card so that he could get the air miles. Talk aboiut cheap!
His reflections on his self and his public image are interesting and powerful.
Just before we returned to Edmonton from our sojourn in Harrogate, we went to an evening with Alan Bennett in which he read and commented on some of his work and then answered questions from the audience. I asked him a question about the rumour I had heard that he was invited to appear on Big Brother, but had turned it down. I asked if it was true, and what excuse he'd given. It was true that he'd been invited, His excuse was this: Mrs Hilda Higginbottom was the last tripe dresser working in Leeds market. For many years he has been asking her to teach him the skill of tripe dressing so that the skill wouldnt be lost - and finally she had agreed. The only time she could "fit him in" conflicted with the start of big brother, so he had to make a choice...
Another little story. Following the appearance of Untold Stories, Britain's Daily Telegraph had arranged an interview with him. A few days before the interview, the Telegraph published a review of his book in which the reviewer used the phrase "the winsome Alan Bennett". Bennett cancelled the interview with a note saying "winsome, lose some". Ah Alan.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The Blogist
My friend Michele asked me why I maintain this indulgence - the blog.
There is a tradition of ordinary people and some not so ordinary maintaining diaries as reflective accounts of experience. James Lees Milne, for example, wasnt an unusually celebrated person in his lifetime, he just knew a lot of people - Mike Jagger, almost everyone who ever owned a country house - and was great friends with Andrew and Debo Devonshire (the Duke and Duchess thereof) and many others. He kept a diary from the 1930's onwards. It has become a classic read about the social fabric of middle and upper class Britain through to 1998.
Then there are political diaries, such as those of Alan Clark or Anthony Wedgewood Benn (Tony Benn as he became) and those of artists and writers, such as Alan Bennet (whose diaries appear each year in The London Review of Books).
All of these have much in common. Reflective, introspective yet valid social comment on the events which happen to them or which affect their sensibilities.
So too this collection of pieces. Patchy quality - welcome to the world of the real writer - and odd collections of ideas. They are not intended for publication in the sense of profit, but as a basis for sharing the understanding one develops over time for the meaning of the existence we call life.
So blog on it is.
There is a tradition of ordinary people and some not so ordinary maintaining diaries as reflective accounts of experience. James Lees Milne, for example, wasnt an unusually celebrated person in his lifetime, he just knew a lot of people - Mike Jagger, almost everyone who ever owned a country house - and was great friends with Andrew and Debo Devonshire (the Duke and Duchess thereof) and many others. He kept a diary from the 1930's onwards. It has become a classic read about the social fabric of middle and upper class Britain through to 1998.
Then there are political diaries, such as those of Alan Clark or Anthony Wedgewood Benn (Tony Benn as he became) and those of artists and writers, such as Alan Bennet (whose diaries appear each year in The London Review of Books).
All of these have much in common. Reflective, introspective yet valid social comment on the events which happen to them or which affect their sensibilities.
So too this collection of pieces. Patchy quality - welcome to the world of the real writer - and odd collections of ideas. They are not intended for publication in the sense of profit, but as a basis for sharing the understanding one develops over time for the meaning of the existence we call life.
So blog on it is.
A Slab of Gold?
We are again in Victoria for Christmas and New Year. Reading - this time the final installments of James Lees-Milne's diaries and the Untold Stories of Alan Bennett, listening to music (I have decided that in 2006 I will explore all aspects of French music), watching movies (Wool Cap, Something Stays Behind..), eating and drinking good wines (focusing on Chile and Argentina).
The house - rented by my business partner, Don who is in Kenya - is on the ocean, is very large and stunning - is a restful place, made more interesting by its design.From the window yesterday, we saw a barge ladened with what looked like gold - see the picture. It obviously wasn't a supersized ignot, but nonetheless it was impressive.
Restfulness, peace and quiet. Ah bliss.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)